While working out today I was thinking about how much I hate exercise. It goes back for as long as I can remember. I mean, I enjoyed riding my bike around the neighbourhood and doing cartwheels on the front lawn when I was around 10 but any kind of controlled activities that made me join a team or perform in front of other people gave me anxiety. I remember this clearly: It was gym class, grade 11. We were playing volley-ball and anyone who knew me knew that if you wanted to win you needed to cover me because I sucked. I would side step when the ball came my way (I made up my grades in the health class part). During this one game I saw the ball coming straight at me. There was no denying that I was the only available person to hit it and I was like, “Fuck.” I remember the voice of a classmate named Andrew yelling in what felt like slow-motion, “Sacrifice your knees!” and I though, “you have got to be shitting me.”
Ballet was different though. I did it for years and it was the only physical activity I liked. Sort of. I wasn’t exceptional at it, a bit self-conscious which definitely showed but I went twice every week until I was turning 16. Then for some reason I quit. Maybe it was because I knew that I would never go farther than where I was, maybe it’s because I lacked the passion that many of the girls had, or maybe it was just that teenage angsty “I’m too cool” attitude. I don’t know. But for whatever reason it makes me sad that I threw in the towel.
I have just never been an extremely physical person. I wish that I was. I wish I had that dedication to get up at 5am and exercise. To start the day off with a nice physical exertion to boost my energy level. I can barely walk straight when I first wake up. It takes a while to even be able to figure out the coffee maker so I can’t imagine rolling out my yoga mat or lacing up some sneakers and getting a workout in. It’s too bad though, because as it is I find that I tend to wait until mid afternoon to exercise and by that point I have already thought of 15 reason why I shouldn’t that day. I also find that we run a lot of errands around my usual workout time so I miss that window and skip it for the day. Just like I did yesterday. And to top it off, not only did I skip my workout, but I bought myself the Big Box from Taco Bell (3 tacos, fries supreme, a large drink, and a churo). And I ate it all.
I really, really want to try getting up earlier. I did yoga on the balcony for the first time and it was nice with the fresh air and wind. I can imagine it would be nicer first thing in the morning where there aren’t people on their balconies or looking out their windows and seeing my ass pointing straight up in the air.
Why can’t I be that driven person? It’s not like I don’t want to get a ripped bod, but I just can’t summon the energy. Is it something in someone’s gene’s r DNA that make give them that drive wake up and exercise early? If not how do I get it?
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