On Friendship and Loyalty

FriendshipandLoyalty

Friendship and loyalty is a big thing for me, but I’m a hard person to get to know. I realize this. It’s a combination of things that make it so difficult for me to let people in and for people to want to be let in. Most people don’t want invest the time or make assumptions of a first impression and never want to delve further. I don’t really blame them because first impressions are a huge deal. I am quite introverted so I am not really great at small talk, but I listen really well. I find that I usually avoid joining a conversation until I have something important to add which people read as being stuck up. I also have a Resting Bitch Face and that doesn’t help my cause much either.

I don’t really enjoy get-togethers or parties because it makes me feel uncomfortable, stressed and tired. It’s physically draining and when I get back home all I want to do is hide so that I can decompress for a bit. My husband doesn’t get this because he is extremely extroverted. You can’t really explain what it feels like to be introverted to a person that isn’t and who thinks it is something you can change or get over.

Due to these characteristics of mine I find it really hard to make friends. I can’t just walk up to someone and strike up a conversation. I just can’t do it. I get anxiety thinking about it. I’m like a pre-plan what I am going to say kind of person so I don’t do on-the-fly very well. I hate ordering food over the phone as well and I tend to stick to online ordering when I can. Don’t even get me started with booking appointments…..All these things probably look like I have an anxiety disorder and maybe I do but it has always been this way since I was a young child. I was a child that would have benefited from homeschooling because it was a major struggle for me socially which detracted from how well I did in school because I was stressed. I think I might have reached a higher potential if I hadn’t had gone to public school.

When I make a friend I am 100% loyal. I will stand by you and stand up for you no matter what. Just don’t betray me. I hold grudges for life apparently (this is something I have learned about myself over the last few years). So if we are friends and you betray me somehow then we won’t be friends anymore. I won’t  trust you and without trust what is the point of being friends? Some of my closest friends I have are women that I met online in the birth board I joined when I was pregnant with Merle. I haven’t even met any of them in real life since we are spread mostly around Canada and the U.S. (with an Australian in there too). We are hoping we can plan a meet up at some point. It will be awesome if we can pull it off.

When I started working  at a retail job years ago I met a woman there and we clicked. She was really outgoing and vivacious and she found me honest and funny and we balanced each other out. We became really close over the years we worked together and she was even a bridesmaid in my wedding. When I went on maternity leave with Roo she started down a bad path. By the time I returned to work she didn’t seem like the same woman anymore and it hurt. Her actions weren’t just affecting her but her staff and the people around her as well. It got to a point where she wanted my job (she had been promoted to another store and I became manager of my store). She wanted to come back to our store and the only way she could do that was if I wasn’t there so both her and the district manager (her new buddy) decided they would try to make my life hell as well as my staff’s. They planned to either catch me in mistake that would lead to my termination or drive me to quit. It backfired on them and they both lost their jobs/were demoted. That friendship was no more obviously.

Fast forward several years and she tried to make contact with me to make amends. She had got help and realized her behaviour and the way she treated me was awful and wanted to apologize and start hanging out again. She missed me and our friendship. I couldn’t do it. While I accepted her apology and was glad she got help and was in a better place I knew that it would never be the same anymore. I would always be wondering what she was going to do next and that isn’t a healthy relationship. She opened the door and I just needed to decide if it is one I want to go through. I had a dream the other night and she was in it. In the dream she helped me out of a really bad situation and I woke up wanting to contact her. I know I shouldn’t but dreams are weird like that eh?

 

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Sara

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